addressing the sick claims against us

As our brand grows- which it has successfully been doing for generations- we are bringing the joy of sickly sweet candy to further and wider places than ever before. Most recently, in 2026, we made our mark on the small town of Crampton. As is often the case, nothing ever happened there before we showed up, but we caused their lives to change forever. Unfortunately, it appears that many residents were left bewildered by the excitement of our visit and, due to the inevitable sugar rush, left struggling to recall their ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ experience.

However, we occasionally encounter some individuals who have very little sweetness to them, which brings us to the link below. This will lead you to a libelous article that has been posted by an ungrateful citizen of Crampton, who we know to be writing purely from a place of deranged bitterness stemming from us having run out of candy to give her, as she was last in the queue during our Candyvan pop-up in her hometown. Sadly, it never ceases to amaze us how sick and twisted some people can be.

Due to the temperamental WiFi down in this deep heated chamber facility, we haven’t been able to get it scrubbed from the internet, despite the obvious lies, libel and defamation contained therein, and unprovoked attacking of our selfless cause. We are voluntarily bringing this article to your attention first, through our own website, in hopes that you will recognise it for the pack of lies it is, and enable us our right of reply. Now that we have this chance to defend ourselves, we feel implored to remind you of our endless community work, and our very long history of bringing excitement to people of all ages with our delicious range of products.

The incredible false claims made therein are nothing more than a desperate attempt to undermine our legitimate candy business, with an attention-seeking work of fiction, written by a failed journalist by the name of Zara Click. This reprehensible individual is seeking only to grab headlines, in hoping to somehow falsely attribute the blame to our business, for a series of terribly unfortunate local incidents that occurred long after our business concluded in her hometown of Crampton.

Whilst it may sound as though we wish ill on Zara, the contrary is in-fact true; given our in-depth knowledge of psychotic disorders, gathered in our extensive charitable visits to those less fortunate, we cannot help but feel concerned for her. We worry for her welfare and mental state, as it takes a truly disturbed mind to invent such a far-fetched, defamatory story. Fortunately, due to our caring nature, we do not hold grudges. As such, we remain keen to locate Zara and offer her, as a gesture of goodwill, a selection of our finest candy completely free of charge, as well as mental rehabilitation with all associated costs covered by our revenue. This generous act will surely sweeten her mood, compensate for her missing out on our delicious candy previously, and help her to see the error of her ways.

Should you know of any sightings or location of Zara, or see any other derogatory articles written about our beloved service by her, please let us know by contacting us at 666 1313. Our boss is keen to speak with this individual and prevent her from harming others, as she is clearly a compulsive liar urgently in need of professional help.